Interview With a Vampire

June 25, 2007 at 11:53 pm 5 comments

I recently sat down with Boss John and asked him some questions: here is the actual transcription of our completely real interview which actually happened.
Do you like strawberries?


Do you like rap or rock better?

I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!

Do you like rap or rock better?

I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!

Do you believe in aliens?

Illegal immigrant alieans, yes.  Introduced wildlife species aliens, yes.  Life evolving on another planet aliens, yes.  Intelligent life forms visiting Earth alien, no.  Why would anything waste it’s time here if it could travel thru space.  That’s a waste of intelligence.  This planet is filled with idiots.

Are you a vegetarian?

FUCK NO!  That’s fucking retarded!  Humans evolved intelligence by learning to kill animals.  If you stop eating them your brain will run out of vitamin B12.  At which point you become a fucking vegetable.  Dementia sets in, and you drool on yourself and get wheeled around in a wheelchair.  Humans are animals.  It’s taken a long fucking time for them to get to where they are.  As I have to live under the consequences of their actions, I’m not going to throw away hundreds of thousands of years of evolutions to become a stupid herbivore.  I eat herbivores….

Which comes first? the chicken or the egg?

Billions of years before dinosaurs started turning proteins into feathers instead of scales they were laying eggs.  It’s a matter of history, and a fact, the egg came first.  Chickens didn’t even exist until years after humans turned a pidgeon into one through centuries of selective breeding.  God didn’t make any chickens.  Mankind did, by breeding the meatiest pidgeon-ish birds they had.  Do you really think a chicken could survive in the wild?!  No, they’re just like cows.  We made them for our own desires.  They’re nothing but crops.  You want to eat a real animal, try a deer.

Have you ever seen the entire Harry Potter series?

FUCK NO!  I haven’t seen or read any of it, and I never plan on it.

What is the name of your best friend?

The FOE.

Do you believe in unicorns?

WHAT?!  Did you not pay attention to what my favorite class in school was.  Do you have any idea how much logic you have to have to enjoy science as much as I do?!  Far too much to be believing in things humans make up in their ancient times.  I mean, yes.  I do.  Me and Pan, the satyr, we’re racing a couple of unicorns with god just the other day.  It was magical.  God cheated, he was riding a centaur!  I would’ve been angry about it, but Hermes came running by and gave me a lollipop!

What’s something you want to do before you die?

Put the human race back into the food chain. Once I finish making my Super Bears people will have no choice but believe in survival of the fittest. Good luck being fit enough to survive those!

Are you worried about something you can’t control?

You mean like Super Bears?! Not yet I’m not.

If you could go back in time and go out with someone you never gone out with, would you?

That might just be the stupidest question I’ve ever seen on one of these. If I could go back in time, the last fucking thing I would do is date someone! I’d probably go visit the Triassic Period, or maybe the early Cretasious. I sure as hell wouldn’t go try to date someone…unless I went back a few minutes and met myself. OOOOOH! Now that would be HOT! What kind of answer was the person who wrote this thing expecting?! “Yes. I would go back and get me some hot Caligula action!” WTF?!


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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Boss John  |  June 26, 2007 at 12:43 am

    All I can think to say to that bit of genius is…


  • 2. Boss John  |  June 26, 2007 at 12:45 am

    Also, I thought it was odd that I was asked if I liked Rap or Rock better, twice… And that I reference my favorite class being science without ever saying that during the interview. Must be part of my psychosis. Odd.

  • 3. epohonze  |  June 26, 2007 at 12:57 am

    Well it was really important to me to know if you preferred rap or rock and I wanted you to yell the answer so I asked twice. I also think it is well known that you prefer science above all other things.

  • 4. daybringer  |  June 26, 2007 at 7:42 am

    I like this question:

    Have you ever seen the entire Harry Potter series?

    HAS HE SEEN IT? HE IS HARRY POTTER! HE lives it everyday!

  • 5. epohonze  |  June 26, 2007 at 1:20 pm

    I know his life is just one big magical adventure.

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